that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
