So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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