thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
