I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
