did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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