Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
