There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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