I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
