I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize