just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
