I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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