listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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