I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
