I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize