glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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