I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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