i barfeds in our rink
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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