can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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