ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
