are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
