Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Small penises have feelings too.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
