I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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