i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize