I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
