the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
