Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize