I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
