dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize