You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
