apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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