Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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