so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
