i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just invented taco cereal.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
