I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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