When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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