It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
