can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
