She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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