Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize