Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
