i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
