last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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