Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
