please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
