I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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