He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
