I just made out with a guy for $7.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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