Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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