Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
