I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You've changed since you got that strap on
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
