Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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