good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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