either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
