I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
