I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Never underestimate the power of titties
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
