if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
