my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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