Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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