he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize