Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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