dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
