I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
