the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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