I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
