sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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