I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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