my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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